Religious differences within a family can cause all sorts of problems. One man – henceforth referred to as “OP” – has taken to social media to find out if he was in the wrong for refusing to say grace at a dinner with his in-laws.
A Good Relationship
OP explained that he generally gets along well with his in-laws as long as the topic of religion is avoided. While he identifies as an atheist, his wife is a liberal Christian who embraces some religious traditions but also values inclusivity and acceptance.
Laughing off Religious Talk
OP wrote: “I get along well enough with my in-laws so long as no religious talk comes up. When it does happen, I usually just laugh it off and change the subject as I’m an atheist and have no [intention to convert]. My wife is Christian but very liberal.”
Saying Grace Before Meals
In the past, OP would typically respect his in-laws’ practice of saying grace before meals and keep his views to himself. He said: “Usually they say grace before meals, which is fine. I just stay quiet and let them do their thing before we all dig in.”
Keeping the Peace
OP continued: “Lately though, I think they’ve wanted me to consider Christianity. They’ve been doing stuff like tagging me in Bible verse posts [on social media]. I’m kind of uncomfortable but, y’know, best to just laugh it off and keep the peace.”
A Direct Request
The increasing pressure came to a head when OP’s mother-in-law directly asked him to say grace himself. He wrote: “This time though, my [mother-in-law] asked me to say it. I thanked them for the honor but said I wouldn’t be comfortable in it as I don’t believe in God and wouldn’t know what to say.”
OP’s Wife’s Encouragement
OP continued: “[My father-in-law] responded by saying just to give it a go and what’s the harm, to just open my heart to the possibility of it and try. I again said I’m not comfortable but my wife put her hand on my knee and gave me a look so I figured just to try my best to indulge them.”
A “Trainwreck” Attempt
OP’s attempt to say grace turned out to be, in his words, a “trainwreck.” He said he mumbled awkwardly and offered a vague acknowledgment of his in-laws’ faith but with a lot of “uhhs” and “umms.” The atmosphere turned tense and the family meal ended on an uncomfortable note.
OP’s Wife’s Response
“My wife isn’t mad at me but is kinda stressed and that I could’ve tried harder or at least used the name ‘Jesus.’ [She] said that I should apologize. I said I did my best but I honestly had no idea what to say,” OP wrote, before asking if he was in the wrong for not trying harder.
Forcing Religion on Others
OP’s post garnered a lot of attention and now has over 2,000 likes. For the most part, people said he did absolutely nothing wrong at all. One commenter wrote: “Don’t apologize. They’re trying to force their religion on you. If anything, they should apologize to you. Don’t be a doormat, stand up for yourself if your wife won’t.”
Proselytizers Really Suck
Another individual said: “Proselytizers suck and coercing you into false confessions of faith in a deity you do not believe in is utterly meaningless. Next time they want you to say grace, give them a proper atheist grace that you can actually believe in. Express thanks for the farmers who grew the food, the hands who harvested it, the truckers who shipped it to the stores, the store workers, the food inspectors, so many people all working to see your family fed.”
The Importance of Respecting Boundaries
One commenter, who used to be religious, told OP that they would never have forced their faith onto someone in such a way. They wrote: “You told them you weren’t comfortable with it. In my opinion, your [parents-in-law] are [in the wrong] for pushing faith on you. When I was religious, I couldn’t imagine forcing someone who doesn’t share my faith to pray to my God.”
Potential Future Problems
Others advised OP to have a serious conversation with his wife. “Please have a talk with your wife about this. I understand keeping the peace but her family needs to respect your non-belief since you respect their religious beliefs. If there isn’t an honest discussion about this, it will cause problems in the future,” one commenter wrote.
A Religious Opinion
Religious individuals gave their opinions on the matter too. One said: “I am very religious but I would never put someone in that position. Your in-laws are trying too hard. Sounds like you and wife need to calmly and respectfully explain that, as you are not trying to push them toward leaving their faith, they need to respect your wishes to not pursue their religion.”
A Mixed Opinion
Others felt that all parties were in the wrong. One such individual said: “You have to pick and choose your battles. I’ve been in situations very similar to this and you just have to keep it short and sweet like, ‘Thank you God for this blessed meal.’ I’m not religious but when I am asked to say grace I suck it up and I say it. Otherwise, you are just being disrespectful. However, I can see how your in-laws were also disrespecting your beliefs.”
Advice for OP
Another commenter wrote: “Try talking to your wife and tell her how it would feel for her if you asked her to publicly deny her religion. Belief or the lack of it is an internal, personal thing and being forced to do something like this is awful. It’s a lot of pressure. Assure her that you support her to keep her faith but you ask for the same respect and support.”
Christianity and Indoctrination
Others were a little harsher with their words. One person said: “The only thing Christians care about is indoctrinating people into their cult. I’m sorry but this is what you married into. Of course, you’re [not in the wrong]. But you should’ve seen this coming.”
An Even Bigger Disaster
One commenter said that if they’d been forced to say grace, things likely would’ve gone even worse. “[Not in the wrong] at all. They can’t just expect you to know what to do, plus they shouldn’t expect you to participate in a religious ceremony to begin with. Had I been in your situation, it probably would’ve been an even bigger disaster,” they wrote.
Try Your Best
A very small minority of commenters told OP he was in the wrong. One such person wrote: “My nana invites me to church even though I’ve expressed time and again that I am not religious. I still go with her because it’s something she enjoys and I like to spend time with her. She also prays for me and my boyfriend in text messages. I always tell her, ‘Thank you.’ You don’t have to believe in God, or even remotely entertain the idea of converting, but when you’re around in someone’s home, even if you’re [terrible] at it, you just try your best.”
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